The first step you can take to help your friend is to learn more about domestic violence. Society’s lack of understanding about the dynamics of domestic violence often is the greatest obstacle a battered woman faces in her efforts to end the violence in her life. With this in mind, here are some thoughts and questions you may have:

"I should not get involved in a private family matter."
Domestic violence is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children and the entire community.

"The violence cannot really be that serious."
Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence, and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time.

Domestic violence results in more injuries that require medical treatment that rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined. Moreover, thirty percent of the women murdered in this country are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

"That kind of behavior does not go on in my neighborhood."
Domestic violence occurs among all ages, races, and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels.

"She must be doing something to provoke his violence."
Your friend is the victim of battering; she is not to blame nor does she ever deserve such treatment. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.

"If it is so bad, why doesn’t she just leave?"
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If she has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make her believe it is her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs. When she tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her.

"Doesn’t she care about what is happening to her children?"
Your friend is probably doing her best to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her, and does not yet realize its effects on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She fears that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.

"I know him -- I really don’t think he could hurt anyone."
Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They can be charming and lovable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home.

"He must be sick."
Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser’s experience as a child, and the messages he gets from society in general tell him that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over his partner’s behavior. Men who batter are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as "sick" wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

"I think he has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of the violence?"
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behavior, it does not cause battering. Men who batter typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.

"How can she still care for someone who abuses her?"
Chances are, the man is not always abusive. He may actually show remorse for his violence, promising that he will change. Your friend understandably hopes for such change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad times, and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship continues, the less likely there will be any good times at all.

"Lately she’s been distant. I don’t know if we’re still friends."
The abuser senses that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily he can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has outside the home. A battered woman may distance herself from friends fearing that they will discover the violence and blame her for it. Try talking to her about the problem of battering in a general way. Let her know you do not blame battered women for the violence.

Source: This information draws heavily from the Battered Woman, a book by Dr. Lenore Walker. It was published by Harper and Row in 1980, and is reprinted with permission.