When Unmarried Parents Separate

By Roslyn Zinner, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

You've been raising your children together, you've lived together as a family, and you may even own property together. Though you've never formally married one another, your lives are interconnected in ways too numerous to list. And now you will be separating and are faced with many issues. Every separation, whether married or not, brings with it an unsavory stew of feelings. Depending on the circumstances of your break-up, you may be feeling angry, relieved, sad, or frustrated.  

What are the unique issues facing unmarried parents (whom I’ll call “UP’s for short) when they separate? The good news, of course, is that you do not need to file for a divorce, and this will save money and aggravation.  

Offsetting that is the first issue, lack of clear guidelines about how to proceed and get closure. For married couples, a formal divorce provides a clear ending to the partnership. As UPs, you will need to find your own ways to get that closure. To complicate the dilemma, UP’s planning to share future parenting will continue to interact frequently, making closure more elusive. 

Four ideas for getting closure are:  

• Using a mediator, create a detailed parenting agreement and have an attorney review it and file in court.
• Create an "Uncoupling" “Becoming Single Again” ceremony with close friends or family in attendance (but not your ex).
• Use individual psychotherapy to work through what happened and plan your future.
• Take a symbolic step such as taking a special trip solo or making a significant purchase (doesn’t have to be expensive).

Secondly, when UP’s separate, families sometimes inadvertently make things worse by encouraging antagonistic moves towards the former partner. When you hear "I never did like the way he (or she) treated you," it only further stirs up your angry feelings, making future communication as co-parents more difficult. It's often necessary to ask these "supportive" family members to back off a little so that you can gain more perspective. 

A third, more complex issue comes up when you have also raised children together who are from one of your previous relationships. If that child knows you and your partner as the key parental figures in his or her life, what happens when you separate and the “stepparent” has no legal custody rights? What kind of “stepparent/child” relationship can or should be maintained? These are both legal and family dynamics questions. We know from research that once a child develops attachment to a mother or father figure, they will suffer feelings of profound loss if that parent disappears from their life. A parenting plan that outlines shared parenting, or at least regular access and visits, can vastly improve the chances for that child’s healthy adjustment to the separation.

Minimizing, as in "after all, you weren't ever married so it can’t be that bad, "is the fourth issue. Even UP’s themselves are often unprepared for the strength of their emotional response to the break up. And for those who deliberately lived together because of negative feelings about marriage, there is irony in finding oneself going through the same stages of loss found in any legal divorce. Furthermore, custody issues must still be decided and property divided.  

Lastly, what happens when one parent starts a new serious relationship or gets married fairly soon after the break up? The adjustments are immense for children who have not yet recovered from the first major change and now must adjust to a new stepparent. Married couples are somewhat protected from such rapid changes by a legal waiting period before divorce or remarriage.

In summary, separation is difficult regardless of whether you have been married or not. Awareness of some of the unique issues facing unmarried parents may make coping a little easier during a stressful time. 

Back to Home

Last date of review 6/25/08 (PLL/M.A.J)

Source: Maryland Legal Assistance Network (MLAN), updated by the Maryland State Law Library (MSLL).

About this website. The Maryland State Law Library, a court-related agency of the Maryland Judiciary, sponsors this site. The website was developed (1999-2007) as part of an access to justice initiative by the Maryland Legal Assistance Network (MLAN) in collaboration with a number of legal services providers serving low and moderate income Marylanders.  In the absence of file-specific attribution or copyright, the Maryland State Law Library may hold the copyright to parts of this website. You are free to copy the information for your own use or for other non-commercial purposes with the following language “Source: Maryland's People’s Law Library – www.peoples-law.org. © Maryland State Law Library, 2007.”

Comments?  

Need help with the legal terms?

Understanding Legal Research